While enjoying the breeze in the garden, having my breakfast and tinkering with all the technology gadgets around me, I had this sad feeling about a day in this week. I was not feeling too well and decided that I will renew my medical card and at the same time visit my friend's husband who has been lying on his full of equipment bed since July. In actual fact that day, I woke up with a strange feeling, I don't know how to put my finger on it. Maybe because my son had eventually left us to live in another country, maybe because its the end of the year, maybe because I am waking up with headaches everyday, or maybe because I haven't traveled for a while? Not sure how to explain what was going on inside my head, all I know is that I am becoming restless and everything i seem to be doing sounds half baked!
This person was a professor at a university, and part of the Monday night group my husband plays domino with, he is always joyful, full of life and caring. That day though, he had wires stuck on various parts of his body, a lot of equipment around him, a personal nurse that keeps typing up stuff on the computer about his situation, a hole in his throat, needle stuck on his fingers, and a skin that is so white and at the same time almost colourless. Of course the first thing that came to my mind was my dad when he died, the skin colour was also too white; I had never seen a dead person before, and seeing my own dad dead was not a memory I wanted to cherish. I miss my dad, he has been an inspiration to me, he is my retreat whenever I am thinking of something, or want to do something, as he always knew the answers to everything.
I sat with him talking about my kids, and showing him the pictures of my grand daughter, also the picture of my daughter in her engagement party (he attended that party) told him about my son who is gone to live in Bahrain, the party on new years day that he is going to miss. I also told him that he is missing the fun his group is having so he must join them on skype at least to hear what they say and how they play! he smiled, of course he cannot talk due to the hole that is drilled in his throat, but I understood what he was trying to tell me. I told him that he has to be strong and fight whatever he is having and leave that bed ASAP. I am hoping he does, and the colour returns to his skin. When I left the hospital I fought my tears, I didn't want to cry.
Then I went to see my sister's son. He is not ill, he is making himself ill with all the silly stuff he is swallowing on the hope that he feels high? I wonder why kids these days are illusioned about what life is really is? do they think that it must be a comfortable life full of roses and red carpets? did they wake up one day and thought "ok, this is the day I am going to hurt my own mum and dad and try to kill myself by taking some medications that has a side effect of making me walk on the cloud?" what is lacking in their lives that makes them think that way? What is the secret of life that they are not able to find hence go out of it and live on a planet that is not earth? Why do some kids run for it and race everybody to become successful while others run to find the best tablet to be a zombie?
The day didn't end well, I still had the headache, still see my nephew sleeping in his bed instead of showing his talents in the classroom or at work, sill have the look of my friends's husband with his colourless skin in my mind.
When I woke up the next day, I didn't have a strange feeling, instead I wanted to live long and see for myself what is happening around me, maybe one day I will be able to help others to make a difference. Maybe I will make a difference in others lives, Maybe others will make a difference in my life. All of these thoughts had vanished slowly from my mind as I have my work to do and my life to run too.